Angry and powerless? Is alright, you'll be dead soon enough!

Anger and a dull background of resigned loathing has become all too regular in my life.

I can identify and reel off ten substantial problems in my life but haven't one practicable solution to any of them. I often consider ending it all. Not because my life is so horrible, a lot of the time I feel good, i am a jovial person; its just that the highs for me aren't really enough to warrant the lows. Like the pay-off  for the hard work I invest just isn't enough. So fairly often I consider, wistfully, the fact that at any given point I can check out of the game. And in moments of rage and anger it calms me down to remember none of it matters because we are all going to die eventually, thank fuck.

Here's to the inevitability of death, may it calm us when we get too worked up in this pointless existence.

Some things a nobody has learned about champions.

Currently I am a nobody in the grand scheme of things. I have yet to do anything outstanding. I have yet to make any changes that will influence people's lives for the better and I have yet to make my mark on the world. The person writing this is well aware that what follows has no standing to you dear reader, because its sauce is unknown, and its contents founded on limited experience. But I write for me as much as - if not more than - I write for you.

Champions speak a language that is alien to most. They do not only speak it externally to those around them, but they speak it internally also. The word  'mindset' should not be used. Rather, what I refer to is a way of approaching life that is unique.  Unique is the right word to use because each champion was forged in different fires and has walked a different path. Although they are all different from each other, what they share is that they all differ from the masses in the same areas. Champions are unique; and have that in common.

While some settle for stability and safety, the champion climbs higher. He sets his intent on a goal and moves toward it step by step.

While most are short sighted in their approach to life, a champion plays the long game. Some work towards the weekend where they can enjoy a concentrated burst of happiness. But the champion has a fundamental understanding that time is extremely scarce.

So at every opportunity, he must take another step, however miniscule, in the direction of his goal.

Champions do not have 'dreams'. What champions have instead is a 'goal'. The difference is massive. In calling something your 'dream' you accept its impossibility. But in calling something a 'goal', you approach life with an inevitability that baffles others.

Champions are courageous. As discussed a while ago in my 'Fearless?' post, courage does not exist in the absence of fear. It exists because of fear. Champions demonstrate courage in planning their goals and even confessing them to others. I say 'confess' because it feels crazy, like a crime or a taboo subject to say to someone, I think I can do this. Here is what I'm going to try and do.

The first time you do this, you feel silly and vulnerable. But as more and more people ask you what you do and why, you feel a deeper sense of pride and purpose. A lot of those feelings are antagonistic; born of a desire to prove naysayers wrong.

I don't feel that. I feel impatient when I encounter naysayers. I've heard their attempts to drag me down so many times that now I avoid the subject of what I do and where I am going whenever possible.

It's not just naysayers that a champion avoids though. He finds people who have surrendered dangerous. Because he knows that they are content; and probably had goals or perhaps dreams or even a plan at one stage. Now they are a shadow of what they could have been. Always talking about what they used to be able to do and what they could have done. And when he finds himself in such a person's company he has a horrific vision of himself going down the exact same path of settle, surrender, stability, security, safety.

In the right company however, discussing where you intend to go and how you are willing to get there fans the flames of your dedication. It just takes some courage to start the conversation.

Champions appear arrogant and cocky to others. By the time their goals and plans are solidified and they have thought deeply and seriously about what they are going to try and  accomplish, a champion in the making will seem so very sure of himself in the presence of others.

The reason for this is that they are trying to convince themselves as much as others that they are capable of such things.

For me, beneath a shell of very real confidence earned over years of hard work bubbles a seething pit of mixed up emotions. Akin to the mood swings of adolescent females, I will feel one day like my success is completely inevitable; only to wake up the next day to fear, doubt, loneliness and insecurity.

But as well as all this champions have perspective. Why can't some people realise that they are going to die. And why are people so afraid of death?
(I felt you cringe through the internet as this post took a turn to the deeper side. But we'll save that rabbit hole for another post;)

I think most champions have an understanding of a very simple  concept.

I am going to die.
If I don't try to do something outstanding, I'm still going to die.
If I try and do something outstanding I might do something good before I die.

Facing up to one's mortality reduces the fear of failure. It gives you a boldness that people who cower in comfort and pleasure will only 'dream' of because they couldn't see past the weekend.

So this language of champions is born of many things, only a small number discussed in this post.
Namely; acceptance of mortality; goals and plans in the place of dreams; confidence built by hard work but quelled by emotions; and a separation from people who are willing to settle for less than they are capable of.

Ever experience any of the aforementioned feelings? What's stopping you from achieving your goal? Probably a million things correct?
Well those million things are just steps to take, you know what you have to do, reader. Now stop scrolling through facebook for 5 minutes and scare yourself with your greatest ambition.
Peace x

Practice does not make perfect.

Although the sentiment comes from an honest and honourable place, the idea that 'practice makes perfect' is a fallacy and the true master understands that perfection is unattainable. And so we are left with the truth that practice makes 'very good'.

You can never prepare for every eventuality in your practice, you can only experience as many as possible in years of accumulation. The masters we know today have prepared for and have experienced the highest amount eventualities and so they perform to a better standard armed with this knowledge.


They are not however, perfect. And though others comment that their execution of technique was 'perfect'; they, being a true master will not let such compliments disrupt the never ending chase that occurs between a masterful practitioner and the perfection of his style.

The Art of Movement

To become great in any athletic or sporting pursuit requires tremendous effort. Not just of the mind with regards to your approach to training and conditioning but of the body as well. The damage that the body takes in training when seen from a perspective of years of accumulation can only be described as frightening. Whereas most athletes will have to endure through joint, ligament, muscle and bone damage at some point in their career, combat sports enthusiasts must tackle the additional threat of traumatic brain injury.
Getting punched and kicked in the head is not good for one's health. Therefore, a time will come for fighters when we move past checking and blocking strikes thrown our way. A transition must be made from blocking to dodging.

Such a transition should be made as soon as you can sit behind your guard and block, check, parry and absorb everything the opponent throws indefinitely. This level of effective defence is a milestone in itself. It takes time to be able to cover every part of your body that can be targeted and still be able to see your opponent moving.

Progressing past this 'safe' form of defence (when will someone hurling bones at your head ever be safe?), we begin to realise our ability to move just out the way of these strikes. The best fighters are able to seem punchable to their opponent only to slide, roll, slip, switch, lean or skip away to safety. To the delight of the dodger, the puncher now has an inclination that he is not as fast as his opponent.

Is this the case though? People have commented that I am too fast for them but this was from a far fitter and stronger athlete than me. The only conclusion is that I started moving first. I would beat Usain Bolt in a race if I started 5 seconds before him. By the same token I will move quicker than you can punch me if I can anticipate where and when you will attempt to do so. This anticipation and prediction coupled with hours of practice and muscle memory form a very dangerous fighter.

Effective and devastating though it is, this style's downfall is the high risk-high reward gamble we take when using it. As I said earlier, the best fighters seem punchable, predict the strike and move accordingly. However another characteristic of the best fighters is that they do not throw everything with the intent of landing. They half throw some shots to set up others.
For example if I slip to the right perfectly out the way of a jab, next time I would expect him to feign a jab and whip his left shin up to my chin as I lean down into it.

What this means is that the dodger must have three or four answers for everything the opponent throws to remain unpredictable. The beauty of adding busy footwork, perfectly timed movement and strange angles to your arsenal is that you can also fall back on your blocking checking and guarding you learned as a base. But those who never put any stock in the dangerous and risky art of movement, who are content with linear motion and tight, tidy hands have nothing to fall back on when their tactic does not work. Further, they will absorb more damage over time. Years and years of hooks, straights, wheel kicks and round houses all blasting against your guard although not finding their target will rattle your brain around inside your skull.

The objective for fighters apart from being the best they can be using a style unique to them, should be to remain as healthy as possible into our twilight years. Too many fighters have stayed in the game too long and slowly turned into a shadow of their former greatness, all because of the damage to the head. Research how many head shots top guys take throughout their career and you will be astonished. Now consider the years of sparring as well.
The degenerative effects to the fighter's health is all down to the fact that getting punched and kicked is unhealthy.

While this concept seems obvious, even sarcastic to most, I see people taking one shot to give theirs in return. And while this juggernaut style is undoubtedly effective and disgruntling to an opponent who lands his money shot perfectly to no effect, it will come back and bite you very hard is arse later on.

'I'm young, I'm handsome, I'm fast, I'm pretty and I can't possibly be beat' - If you don't know who said this I feel bad for you son.

Alcohol culture - making friends sober

I'm an adolescent at that magical age where I can finally stride up to the muscle bound doorman and pacify his alpha male complex with my ID. I feel manly as he nods me through the portal to another world.

A world where, it seems to me, my whole generation gathers. They gather in this land to consume a magic potion that can make everything and everyone cool. This potion comes in many different colours and flavours of liquid, and they guzzle this liquid because they believe it to be a social lubricant.

Because really we're all so uptight and so nervous and so scared of rejection and scared to be ourselves that we just need something. Something that's going to lower our guard. So I can let you in, and you can let me in. And if I do something unacceptable, hey come on I'm a little drunk. Everything becomes more acceptable once you get this magic potion.

The first thing noticeable stepping through the portal is the loud music, beats vibrate my whole body and bounce about my head. I feel dizzy as I gaze across the ocean of youth. Then I observe my fellow teenagers; some sitting, some dancing, some kissing, all of them drinking. They all seem to know exactly what theyre doing. I'm a foreign person who doesn't speak the native language. I'm an imposter to this world of socialising and intoxication and cigarette smoke.

The air is thinker inside here. I wade through a veil of body heat and inhale the collective cheap aftershave of 100 sweaty men. Passing a fragrant girl is like briefly taking refuge in her scent. Then I'm back into the melting pot of beer, sweat and lynx deodorant.

The seething mass of bodies has created an uncomfortably hot room temperature. A constant haze presses against my skin like an extra layer of clothing.

5 seconds pass and I realise I'm surrounded by my generation yet completely alone at the same time. I desperately scan the sea of faces for a set of features I recognise. Its coming up to a solid minute of walking round awkwardly looking for my friends. I feel the disapproving eyes of all the attractive people, they know I don't belong here. They can smell my anxiety.

Salvation. I stumble past pretty faces and smile my way through girls I'll never talk to untill finally Im stood in a circle of people I know.

Over loud, unfamiliar music I talk to my friends, I shout jokes and point out people I know, we laugh, we catch up, they drink. Sometimes I find myself uncomfortably alone and do my best not to be the creep with no mates.

As the night (and everybody's intoxication) progresses I feel more and more comfortable and care less and less about, well, anything really. Everyone's too drunk to notice how crazy Im now dancing. In fact I take advantage of that and see what outrageous moves I can pull to the delight of many intoxicated bystanders.

When I run into people I know I pull them into the fray, we jump around like loons and have a good time.
...............................................................

As an athlete I need to put my body and its function above a lot of other stuff in life. And my commitment has alienated me from my peers significantly. Although I exaggerated for your entertainment my level of social discomfort, I remain unresponsive and introverted in many social situations. I have always known drinking was unhealthy but used to do it anyway with a close brotherhood. We were allies and would attend house parties often, taking over music arrangements with our clearly unparalleled taste.
But as I researched more and more the effects of alcohol on the body, I found that I was unable to participate.

 Forget true self expression and forget doing shit you may regret, forget all the moral stuff and the money... It was going to damage my fight game, so I just lost interest.

Years have passed since I became the guy who doesn't drink. I have always said its not that I don't drink, just not while Im in camp, then the camp was over and I was celebrating my win. Ah Ill keep it going, Ill be competing again soon anyway, why take steps back right?

Then weeks turn to months and months to years and now I feel like even if I had the inclination to get wasted I wouldn't because of how terrified I am about damaging my meat vehicle. This vessel is all I have to depend on when I compete.
I will never have a problem loosing to a better guy. However, if Im beaten and I can say, yeah but if I skipped that night out, or if I didn't drink at that party, I could have done better; then it will be far harder to accept defeat and grow stronger.

Simultaneously, I also feel like Im missing out the nights out and parties that lead to meaningful connections to other people.
So the question is, what will I regret more on my death bed, missing the parties to train and fight, or missing the successful fights for the sake of bonds forged in a bath of alcohol and vomit?

In no way do I consider myself 'above' drinking, I have experienced how fun it can be and would never tell anyone what not to do. But just because everyone does it, it doesn't mean its not weird.

'May you always do what you are afraid to do' -Elliott Hulse

' All I'm trying to say, is if you were to look from the outside looking in where would you begin?'- Newton Faulkner.

Self (Un) awareness, mediation and becoming gods

You know something is working properly when you don't even notice its function.
In the old saying, when you do something right, people wont know you've done anything at all.

This is one of the underpinning features of the universe and consciousness. 
What of the human body and its organs? If they all work properly and fully, you cant feel them busy at work. You cant feel your eyes seeing, you cant feel the rods and cones organising your sight in the retina. You cant feel your kidneys filtering waste from the blood, or the intestinal wall deriving the chemical nutrients from your food. Indeed, when all is in harmony and perfect, attention is absent.

When systems malfunction however, that's when we notice they are there. After a loud music concert, you can hear your ears, the ringing. You damage an organ and you can feel it, you can feel its place in your body, you notice its presence.

The same is true for we humans and consciousness. When all is in harmony, there is no sensation of I. The human forgets its individual self when it is in perfect harmony with the environment.
Like a raindrop of consciousness falling back into the  ocean.  Or to put it another way, the consciousness can be likened to  flood light rather than spot light. This forgetting of the 'self' as an individual and separate being is meditation. It doesn't have to be achieved by any effort, though it can be, via the traditional Buddhist and Hindu ways. Where you sit comfortably and perhaps adopt the lotus position and practice one of hundreds of techniques designed to calm the mind. Ultimately trying to forget yourself.

However it is also happening when you are completely and fully absorbed in a task. You become one with the universe, you are on a sort of auto pilot but you are still thinking rationally, clearly; perhaps the clearest you ever think. Your attention is not divided, it is fully on the task in hand. You are no longer self aware.

So where has the 'I' gone in situations like these? Is it merely forgotten? If so by whom? Perhaps it was never there in the first place and the universe is playing the Dean Pattinson game through my physical body, and the Joe Bloggs through yours. Perhaps, conciseness is external and received rather than generated internally by our biochemistry. Here we can use the analogy of the relationship between a radio and the songs coming out of the speaker being the same as that of the human body and consciousness.

Is all well and good to daydream about personal identity being a total illusion.
However conscious attention is what has brought us to our current point. Although it was arguably a mistake, (becoming self aware may be likened to forbidden fruit/knowledge in the garden of Eden perhaps) it has helped us learn a lot.

The scientific information we have become conscious of in our evolution was still true when we didn't even have fire. The advantage of being conscious of universal physical phenomena is that we can use it. For what? Well whatever we want really, pointless stuff, utilitarian stuff like being able to travel great distances, or share information with millions of other people.

We are currently in the age of manipulating our environment to suit our taste. If we want to be hotter, we make it hotter. Colder? Ditto. We find a place with too many trees and a few weeks later its flat open land, another week later, there's crop covering the horizon or a factory, or a farm, or a factory farm!

Manipulating the dna of other organisms has been common practice for decades now, how long before a procedure whereby we can alter our own genes to suit taste is made safe and accessible to the public?

I guess the point Im trying to make here in my long winded way is that we are kind of playing god by learning and knowing how to manipulate the fabric of our environment.

Are we trying to become gods?
Would it be better had we never evolved such a high level of awareness? If so why? Is our species wide, subconscious goal of achieving god like control over our environment dangerous?
Food for thought, fellows

A case against weight cuts in combat sport

Were all familiar with the various weight categories in combat sports. Their purpose is to avoid mismatches and David vs goliath-esque situations. Simple enough and quite logically sound. This post is not against weight classes at all, I fully agree with their necessity in combat sports.
In this day and age though, with our knowledge of how to manipulate the body and its hormones we find that David vs goliath-esque situations are far from uncommon. 

This occurs when two opponents are matched at an agreed weight but one uses water manipulation to give an illusory low body weight. If these professional athletes were to fight immediately after getting weighed my comparably minute skills would be enough for me to run rings round them.

The acute dehydration is very taxing to the body, even small levels of water loss that happen naturally impair performance a surprising amount. So massive water loss by manipulation of body heat would leave the athlete no more able to perform  than a small toddler.

However, almost all professional fighters have to go through this unhealthy weight loss. Because its just what everyone else is doing. Which is to say that if I look for an opponent classed as my natural weight of 80kg the only dudes id find were 95kg powerhouses who have learned to cut down to 80 for a brief time.

If everyone just agreed to compete at their natural weight, there would be no problems with weigh ins but todays top guys are cutting 20 lbs of water weight so they can technically tip the scales for a brief amount of time at that lower weight and consider themselves part of that class. This is cheating, im my eyes but because everyone's doing it, cutting weight has become as much a part of competing in combat sports as the training itself!

I have competed numerous times and experimented with numerous techniques, from the long term hardcore diet to last minute sweating procedures. Both of which depleted my 'chi' if you will, and left me no energy to train. I was more concerned with with the weigh in for the weeks leading up to the fight, stopping me from getting my head im the game and basically sapped all the enjoyment out of the sport because i needed enough calories to train hard but few enough to remain in deficit.  As for the last minute water cutting favoured by todays top guys, the goal is to spend as little time as possible at the target weight. This did allow me to train harder and not constantly worry about food but the dehydration (nothing like the pros, a mere 4kilos) was poorly timed because of my inexperience and i spent longer than necessary in a dehydrated state, and probably didn't refuel properly. So god only knows if I was performing at maximum out put that night.  

The moral of the storey is that if you feel strong, and youre blasting through gym sessions and destroying the sparring, you are at full fitness. Your body is loving what you're putting in and your fight game is flourishing from the out put.

WHY FUCK WITH IT?

My logic from now on is that yes, I may well have to fight a bigger opponent, but i will feel strong and weight related stress free right up to fight night and he has had to expend some of his valuable chi, dehydrating or starving himself or both, which will make him uncomfortable and unable to perform to his physical best.
If I had my way, weigh ins would be an hour before the fight, forcing people to be honest.

Rant over! Thankyou for coming. X